Listening is a skill many people think they possess. After all, we hear people talking all day long, so we often assume we listen just as much. But true listening is different from simply hearing words. It’s an intentional practice that can transform conversations, relationships, and ourselves.
When we listen deeply, we’re not just waiting for our turn to talk. We’re not silently planning our response, defending ourselves in our head, or rehearsing talking points. We’re giving our full attention to the other person and allowing them to feel seen and heard. That is a rare gift.
Listening is a gift we offer. One of the surprising benefits of listening well is that it helps us avoid getting defensive. When we’re focused on understanding rather than reacting, we naturally become less defensive. We’re not jumping in to protect our position or prove a point. Instead, we’re open to what the other person is saying, even if it’s hard to hear. It doesn’t necessarily matter that we disagree, because our objective is to understand and not be “right”. Often, defensiveness arises when we feel misunderstood. But if we practice listening, we create a space where understanding can unfold for both people.
Listening also prevents many arguments from taking place. Most arguments are fueled by feeling dismissed, invalidated, or unheard. When someone feels heard, they don’t usually escalate. They don’t need to repeat themselves louder, speak with more force or come up with more “evidence”. They can settle into the conversation with you feeling cared about and heard regarding what they’re feeling or experiencing.
Good listening is simple, but it’s not easy. It asks us to quiet our own thoughts and tune into the person in front of us. It means we give them the space to finish their sentences without interruption. We pause before responding, to make sure we understood what they really mean and not what we think we heard. We might even check by saying, “I want to make sure I got this – are you saying…?” This not only clarifies but shows the other person that their words matter and you want to understand.
Listening also means noticing what isn’t being said. Sometimes what someone leaves out carries just as much meaning as what they include. Their tone of voice, the hesitation before they speak or their body language are all part of what they’re communicating. Listening deeply means paying attention to these subtle cues with curiosity rather than judgment.
At its heart, listening is an act of humility. We set aside our assumptions, our need to be right, our rush to fix things. We take a pause and step into the other person’s experience. We trust that being fully present can be healing in itself. In a world that often prioritizes quick responses, assertions, fixes and strong opinions, true listening can feel difficult. Yet it’s one of the most powerful ways to build trust, strengthen relationships, and create understanding.
Today, try slowing down and really listening to someone you care about. Let their words come to you without planning your reply. Notice how it changes the conversation. Notice how it changes you. With time, you’ll most likely experience how it changes the relationship.