There’s a particular kind of thinking pattern that can creep in quietly. You’re going about your day, and then—out of nowhere—a thought returns. A moment from a conversation. A text you wish you hadn’t sent. The look on someone’s face. A mistake you feel you made. A memory, vivid and aching. Or maybe it’s not a moment, but it’s a person. Someone you miss or can’t let go of even though you want to.
You’re not trying to obsess. You’re just… caught. The same thoughts loop, replay, analyze and return over and over again. It can feel like you’re trying to solve something, but the longer you stay in it, the less clear anything becomes. It’s exhausting but it continues to cycle. Rumination often presents in the moment as productive thinking, but in reality, it’s like a skip in a record that keeps playing over and over going nowhere.
From a brain perspective, rumination is a kind of impulsive over-functioning. The mind senses something unresolved or emotionally charged, and it keeps circulating the thought trying to find relief or clarity. It’s trying to help—but ends up amplifying the very discomfort it’s trying to solve because there’s often no “answer.”
This kind of rumination may or may not be “clinical,” but it still hurts, it’s still exhausting, it takes us away from what is in front of us, keeps us up at night and can lead to sadness, worry and more. It often leaves us feeling hollow, anxious, and wrung out.
What can help rumination (besides just telling yourself to “stop thinking about it”)?
Here’s what often helps – not instantly, but gradually, like water wearing down stone:
1. Ask what the loop is trying to offer
Instead of fighting the thought, get curious: What is this rumination trying to do for me? Is it trying to protect me from grief, guilt, powerlessness, shame, longing? Often, when we allow the underlying emotion to be felt – not fixed, not explained, just felt – the loop begins to loosen. Rumination is often a stand-in for emotional presence.
2. Be suspicious of urgency
Rumination often comes with a sense of pressure: You need to figure this out now. That urgency is rarely trustworthy. It’s usually anxiety masquerading as necessity. What would it feel like not to have an answer today? Could you practice allowing some uncertainty for now?
3. Ask what part of you has been lost or exiled
Often, what we fixate on in rumination isn’t just about another person or situation – it’s about something in ourselves that has been cut off, disowned, or forgotten. The obsession may be pointing to a lost part of the self: a younger self who needed tenderness, a creative instinct that was silenced, a truth that was never allowed to surface. The emotional charge around the fixation may actually belong to that inner exile which is seeking recognition. Rather than asking, “How do I stop thinking about this?”, consider asking, “What is this trying to return to me? What part of me have I left behind?” When we stop trying to silence the rumination and begin to listen for what it wants to restore, it can become less of a torment and more of an invitation.
4. Shift from “thinking about” to “being with”
Rather than turning the situation over in your mind again, try being with what it stirs in you. Let the grief, regret, or longing move through your body – not to wallow, but to let it have space. This is different from indulging the thought. It’s about making contact with the truth underneath it.
5. Bring it into relationships
Rumination isolates. It leaves us alone in our thought loop and many people feel embarrassed to share the type of thinking they’re engaged in. Saying it aloud to a trusted friend, therapist, or spiritual guide can break that isolation. Sometimes, we just need another person to meet our reality with kindness.
6. Don’t turn it into a moral flaw
You’re not failing at life because you’re stuck in your head. You’re not weak because something still haunts you. This is what it means to be human, especially if you feel deeply and reflect honestly. The goal isn’t to stop feeling. It’s to stop doing it alone. It’s to accept what your mind is doing and do your best not to participate in the cycle and to have compassion with yourself when you do.
A final thought
Sometimes rumination is less about the past and more about a part of us asking not to be abandoned. The one who’s still afraid. The one who still hopes. The one who still hurts. When we make space for that part – not to fix, but to listen – something will shift.
You’re not broken. You’re just in a moment that needs care. And care, not control, is what helps it pass leaving growth and wisdom.