Letting go of someone you love is one of the hardest emotional challenges many of us face. Whether it’s a romantic relationship, a friendship, or a close family member, the process of losing and moving on can feel overwhelming. I often work with clients in this situation and the most difficult impasse, struggle and question is, “How do I let go when I still love this person?” In this post, I’ll explore some steps you can consider while offering compassion towards yourself along the way.
Understanding the Grief
Letting go involves grieving a relationship or person you’ve lost. Whether the person is still in your life in some form, the relationship dynamic has changed, or they’ve completely removed themselves from your life, it’s natural to mourn the relationship as you knew it. Grief is never linear; you might find yourself feeling better one day and struggling the next. You might have a few days of what feels like relief only to find yourself in what feels like a major setback. Please practice compassion with yourself and remind yourself that grief takes time and there’s no healthy way to “get over it” quickly. The “get over it” mindset is judgmental, unrealistic and hurtful.
Recognizing your emotions without judgment is key here. The ongoing practice of offering grace and empathy towards yourself and the other person is essential if you want to move through a loss with a positive transformation. Sadness, anger, and even relief can coexist and honoring those feelings without identifying with them or acting them out is an important step in grieving. Emotions are always valid. Instead of pushing them away, it’s helpful to sit with your feelings, knowing that they will eventually change as you heal.
A Pathway towards Letting Go
Here are a few steps that can guide you through this difficult process:
1. Set Clear Boundaries
Establishing boundaries is crucial and this can be when you need to step back from someone due to them ending a relationship or you needing to move away from one. This might mean limiting or stopping contact with the person, especially if it feels painful to keep engaging. It’s also about creating emotional boundaries—deciding where to place your energy and attention. Practice doing so with kindness, respect and clarity towards yourself and the other person.
Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, but it’s not about punishing anyone; it’s about protecting your well-being at the time, honoring the goodness in yourself and the other person and exercising self-care and care for the other person.
2. Focus on Your Self-Care
Letting go takes a lot out of you emotionally, so prioritizing self-care is essential. This isn’t so much about trivial self-care as it entails a deeper sense of self-care such as checking in with yourself through reflection and nourishing your physical and mental health. This self-care might mean setting aside time for hobbies and interests, quality time with friends, exercise, or mindfulness practices to help refocus your attention on things that uplift you.
3. Process the Pain
One of the hardest parts of letting go is processing the emotions that come with it. Journaling, talking to a trusted friend or consulting with a therapist or spiritual director can help you explore the feelings you’re experiencing. Try and process your feelings and not focus on who might be right or wrong, better or worse. This step is less about figuring everything out and more about giving yourself the space to express what you’re going through.
Emily P. Freeman, in her work on grief and transitions, suggests asking yourself specific, reflective questions to help navigate these tough emotions. When grieving the loss of a relationship, Freeman recommends asking yourself:
- What am I afraid of losing?
Sometimes, the fear of letting go is more about losing a sense of your identity and a part of yourself. It can be the loss of security, or even the future you envisioned. By identifying this fear, you can begin to address it directly. - What am I still holding onto?
You might be holding onto hopes, expectations, or even memories of how things used to be. Acknowledging what you’re clinging to can help you understand why letting go feels so difficult. - What does this relationship say about me?
Often, the ending of a relationship can make us question our worth. But it’s important to separate the relationship’s outcome from your sense of self. Understanding how this relationship fits into your personal story is key to moving forward. - What’s true right now?
It’s easy to get stuck in “what if” or “if only” thinking. But grounding yourself in what is true at this moment—about the relationship, about yourself—can help you make peace with the situation. What you know for sure can serve as an anchor as you let go of uncertainty. Sometimes we desperately want to understand why it ended to help us make sense of the loss or help us shake feelings of inadequacy. But, as Freeman says, “What if there is no story… what if this just is?” - How can I release this with love?
Letting go with love is about allowing yourself to feel the loss without bitterness or resentment. It’s recognizing that the relationship served a purpose of its own and giving yourself permission to move forward with grace./li>
Making Peace with Loss
Often, the hardest part of letting go isn’t the decision itself but making peace with it afterward. You might still question whether you made the right choice or feel guilt for stepping away. Or if you didn’t make the decision you might sit with shame or guilt and question your self-worth. It’s important to remind yourself that letting go isn’t about rejecting love; it’s about choosing to prioritize your emotional health whether you walked away, or someone chose to walk away from you.
You’re not abandoning someone or pretending they never mattered to you if you let them go with respect and kindness. Letting go means accepting that the relationship has run its course in its current form and recognizing that holding onto it may be keeping you from growing or even causing harm to both parties involved.
Moving Forward after Letting Go
Letting go is rarely a straightforward journey. It’s normal to take a few steps forward and then feel like you’ve regressed. Be patient with yourself and understand that healing doesn’t have a set timeline. As you continue to prioritize your mental and emotional health, you’ll find that the grip of the relationship will loosen, you’ll regain your sense of self and you’ll be different on the other side.
It’s important to honor the love, the person and the relationship for what it was and who you both are without letting it define your future. Growth and healing are always possible—even in the most difficult of situations.